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Communication for when you can’t communicate.

Alexis Bushnell

• 2 min read
5 square communication cards with cute chubby unicorns holding blank cards. On them is handwritten; I feel sad, I feel angry, I feel scared, I am in a trauma response, I feel insecure.

Sometimes I can't communicate effectively - that trauma life! But really, when I'm triggered (in the medical sense) or my nervous system is activated through intense anxiety, stress or sensory overwhelm, my brain goes into what's commonly known as "fight or flight" - it turns off the thinking parts and goes response only because it thinks I'm in serious danger.

This means that I can't communicate when I'm in that state because that requires the thinking part. To give a real life example:

I was highly anxious before a Welsh lesson, it's a situation that sets off several of my brain gremlins enough that it swiftly leads me to my brain going "DANGER! Engage fight or flight." I spent some time beforehand watching ASMR, trying to slow my breathing and generally doing things to signal to my body "we're safe, it's ok." Someone then came in from the cold with cold hands and put them against my skin, something they often do alongside teasing me when I moan about it without issue. Only this time I just responded "they're cold," and mostly failed to say anything else.

Why?

My brain wasn't thinking, it was reacting. I didn't have the bits of brain that are required to explain "I was struggling with anxiety and was calming myself down and the shock of the cold has 'proven' to my brain that I am in danger and sent everything sky high again." All I could offer was a statement "they're cold."

The solution.

So having spoken to a friend about it and then also to the person in question we arranged a system where I text (SMS - retro, right?!) a specific emoji when I'm in that state so they have warning and can adjust how they interact with me accordingly.

I chose an emoji because it's 1 button push and I know I can do that either as I start to get to that point or even in the moment.

They chose an SMS because it makes a different sound and they receive so few that it will stand out as important over a WhatsApp or other messaging app.

This kind of negotiation and communication is important in all forms of relationship; romantic, friendship, QPR, kink dynamics, etc. Communication is a team sport!

There are so many ways you can communicate when you can't do so verbally, so I also want to share some more ideas, but I would absolutely love to hear yours too:

  • Communication cards - I love the ones from Lil Penguin Studios but you can also make your own.
  • Happy/sad octopuses or other toys - these you can flip to show if you're ok or not.
  • Traffic light cards - a set of red, orange and green cards which you can hold up to indicate where you're at.
  • Social battery pin badges - slide it down to red to indicate you're struggling to communicate.
  • Hand gestures or sign language - if you don't know sign, simply designating a certain hand motion as "I'm out" can be helpful.

Communication is hard, it sucks, and there are a zillion ways for you to do it. The right way is the way that works for you and the person you're communicating with.

And if you communicate your needs to someone and their reaction is that "it's too much," "it's silly," "why can't you just___" or any other form of outright no or mockery - run. Run far far away and find the people who say "that wouldn't work for me but how about ___," the people who want to work with you to ensure you both get what you need.