One of the ways Consent Academy explains consent is as “a shared feeling created together through a process of constant, collaborative discovery. It’s a feeling that comes from voluntary agreement (made without coercion) between those with decision-making capacity, knowledge, understanding, and autonomy.”

I love this as it removes the basic yes/no idea of consent and turns it into a vibe of trust and safety that those involved are building together. What are some stand out words for you in that definition?

It can be helpful to use models of consent both as a way to discuss it with someone else and to help make sure you’re not missing anything.

Some common consent models are:

FRIES (Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific).

4Cs (connection, consideration, communication, collaboration).

Cup of tea (video below).

Importantly remember that just having a “yes” isn’t the same as consent. Someone under 18 cannot consent to kink activities even if they’ve said yes. Someone drunk or high cannot give informed consent. Inexperienced players, and some experienced players, cannot give consent mid-scene or when in subspace/domspace or some other altered headspace.

Consent is ongoing, you can say “no” at any point, and someone else can say “no” to you at any point. All of this is OK and part of being a safe player is being able to both say and accept “no.” This includes if you’re in the middle of something really hot and you’re having the absolute best time – if you hear a “no,” you stop.

Taking a “no” can be hard. Sometimes it makes us feel rejected or even lied to, but learning to accept someone’s “no,” regardless of how we feel is incredibly important.

If someone says “no” to you, first remind yourself that it is a complete sentence, they do not need to explain why they don’t want to, all that matters is that they don’t want to. A great practice is to thank people for their “no” – so you might say something like “thank you for trusting me to accept your no,” or “thank you for your honesty.” This also flips your brain into recognising that a “no” is a good thing – it frees up your time and energy to find someone who has an enthusiastic “yes” for you and shows that you do feel safe enough for someone to say “no” to, and that’s super awesome!

There are a lot of situations that someone might ignore a “no” but to give you a brief idea of how to deal with it, here are a few:

• If you’re speaking to someone online and feel able to you may want to directly call out the behaviour to them, but it is just as valid to block them.
• If you’re chatting in a public vanilla space you can reaffirm that you already said no and leave.
• If you are at a kink event or munch you can seek out a crew member and speak to them about what’s happened.
• If you’re alone with that person, get yourself out of that situation as quickly and safely as you can. This includes lying and making excuses to get away, or calling or texting a friend for them to come and get you. Once safe you can message your local organisers or safety contacts with this kind of information.

It is really important to remind yourself either with self talk or by speaking to a friend that you are allowed to say no and having that ignored is not OK. Get that reassurance as soon as you can.

So to wrap the consent portion up:

• There are different models of consent you can use.
• You are allowed to say no.
• No is a complete sentence.
• Accepting someone’s no is an important skill.
• Report boundary pushers to organisers.

Safety

Consent is the filling in the safety sandwich, it’s key to a fucking delicious time but if you’re missing the bread it’s going to be messy and unfulfilling.

First up you need to know yourself; how your body and brain work, how you respond to certain things, what you enjoy, and numerous other things. It is very difficult to ask for what you want if you don’t know what you want.

Next you need to vet you partners (full blog on vetting 101 here). How this looks will be different depending on if you’re having a casual hookup, an intense kink scene, a dynamic, or something in between.
In vetting you are looking for red, orange and green flags.

Red flags are big warning signs that the person is dangerous to play with or dangerous for you to play with. Pushing you when you say no is a huge red flag – can you think of any others?

Orange flags are smaller issues that don’t on their own mean danger but if someone has a bunch of them, that’s probably a red flag in itself. An orange flag might be never having taken a kink education class – you can dig into that and discover if it’s because they didn’t know they existed or have been nervous, or if they just don’t want to at which point it becomes a red flag.

Green flags are signs that the person knows what they’re doing and is trustworthy, that they care about safety and see the other people they play with as humans. Things like accepting your no easily and happily, asking insightful questions to get to really understand you and listening to the answers, or encouraging you to take classes and get educated yourself. Can anyone think of other green flags?

Vetting

In kink, vetting is standard and expected. Do you know what vetting is?

Vetting is seeking out information on potential safety concerns and how honest someone is being with you. Things like they ignored someone’s safeword or they lie about themselves to get closer to people faster.

Vetting is not gossip, drama, or petty bullshit. It is not “they stayed friends with someone I fell out with” or “our relationship didn’t work out and I did nothing wrong so they’re the bad guy.”

Some people will give you references so that you can vet them, it’s good practice to contact those people but keep in mind that they’re only going to offer references of people they’re confident will say good things.

• Local kink event organisers are a great starting point for finding out if someone is safe and being signposted to useful groups and resources for your area. Some areas have safety groups either online or in person.
• Building a network of friends on the scene who you can speak to and discuss things with is also really helpful.
• Checking out someone’s Fetlife profile and contacting those they have photos of or people they seem to be engaging with on Fetlife is a great option to discover more about their reputation and skills.
  You can also often spot some red flags from just checking out their profile.
• I also recommend UK Safety Alerts which you can request to join through Fetlife.

No vetting system is perfect, but having things in place can help you avoid some of the awful humans who kink among us.

Negotiation

Why is it important to negotiate?

There’s a difference between a consent violation and getting what you ordered but not liking it – much like in a restaurant where you may order a new dish you’ve not had before and not like it. Take a spanking scene - if your negotiation starts and ends with “I enjoy spanking, let’s do that,” there are a wide variety of things that could happen. If your negotiation includes why you enjoy spanking, how you like to feel, what implements you enjoy, and the whole vibe of the scene, you are far more likely to enjoy the scene.

Hopefully you know from your own experiences that there is wide variety in why people enjoy something and that can really change how a scene plays out. When you start layering things you need even more negotiation, so a spanking scene with some kind of dirty talk or some kind of role play, that is an extra layer. If you then add humiliation, that's an extra layer. But for even the “simple scenes” the negotiation process needs to be respected because every individual is different and you don't know what what is going to come up.

What to include

Communication.

There are lots of different ways to communicate and all of them are perfectly valid. Some people do a lot better with talking to someone while they’re facing away so they can’t see them, some people find it easier to verbalise, others do better writing things down, some folks need a structured list of prompts or forms. It’s important to get away from the idea that communication is only face to face verbal discussion, it’s a lot broader than that and as long as you’re communicating in ways that make sense to everybody involved in the communication, that’s all that matters.

The nitty gritty.

Now we get in to the more practical stuff. Here’s what I think it’s important to include in negotiations:

Identities.
Who you are is a key part of how you experience kink and life. Including your core identities also helps with not being misgendered and also making it easier for someone to understand how you’re seeing the world. Sharing identities is also a great additional “are you an asshole” check!

Health issues.
Sharing your latest STI testing comes under this, along with covid tests and vaccinations. You don’t have to cover everything related to your health, just relevant things. Most importantly talk about how things actually impact you; don't just say “I have anxiety, I have IBS, I have long covid” say how that impacts your kink and what needs to be taken into consideration because of it. This also includes temporary health issues like a pulled muscle, broken arm, etc.

In a rope scene I bottomed for I let the top know that my joints were a bit slippy but had never been a problem in rope before, and that I can’t have my hands above my head for any real amount of time because I will faint. I didn’t mention a bunch of my other health issues because they simply weren’t relevant to the scene we were going to do; one with “safety & feeling held” as the vibe.
On the flip side, for a sadistic impact scene I bottomed for I mentioned how long covid has impacted my pain tolerance and how my skin reacts, and that my fatigue was quite bad so laying down was my preferred position.

Knowing how things affect you is key so you can communicate this, and if you’re not sure if something is relevant, it is best to disclose it just in case.

My personal belief, though this is hotly debated in the disabled kinky community, is that you should disclose which meds you’re on - specifically if they commonly affect pain receptors or brain function. While they may make you functional, even if they are commonly thought to make you “out of it”, the other person has the right to not want to play with someone on certain meds or taking things that cause certain effects. Consent goes all ways and, while it’s shit to have someone not want to play with you for what you consider to be a bullshit reason, they are allowed their own risk profile and boundaries.
If you know someone is taking medications that you are unfamiliar with, ask them about those meds and how they affect them. If you’re unsure or uncomfortable, you can say “no” to playing with them – that is a responsible and safe decision.

Kink philosophy and consent model.
Share whether you practice PRICK (personal responsibility, informed, consensual kink), RACK (risk aware consensual kink), SSC (safe, sane consensual), TICK (Trauma Informed Consensual Kink) or some other kink philosophy, and why you chose that one over the others.
There are subtle differences between these philosophies but for newer folks I’d suggest going with PRICK which focuses on risk awareness and personal responsibility, both very important to kink.

Also share what model of consent you use.

Explicitly state whether you practice inclusive or exclusive negotiation. Inclusive is where you discuss what is on the table and only those things will happen. Exclusive is where you state your limits and what you don’t want to do but everything else is on the table. I guarantee you there are a tonne of kinks you have not even considered so exclusive negotiation brings with it a high chance of someone whipping out some purple paint and a blueberry and saying “I’m going to turn you into a blueberry and make you feel like you’re inflating while I have a wank.”

I will always recommend inclusive negotiation, especially outside of long standing relationships where you know and trust each other deeply.

Likes, dislikes and limits.
This is usually what people think about as negotiation so I suspect many of you have done will, want, wont lists or kink checklists, etc.

Remember your “no” when discussing this – you can want to play with the person but still not want to do certain things with them, and that is absolutely fine. Just because you know that someone does sadistic rope, for example, with others doesn’t mean they have to do it with you. Equally, just because someone has done something before with you doesn’t mean they have to, or will be, a “yes” again for that thing.Lack of experience in the kind of play you want to do can mean you’re a “no” on something with someone, or lack of kink knowledge broadly. It’s absolutely fine to let someone know that you won’t play with them until they have learned more – and it can be really fun to go to classes together that way you can see their skillset improving and know where they’re at, and you get to hang out and have a good time. If you pitch this to someone and they are offended, annoyed, or pushy about it – what colour flag is that?

Safewords & safe signals.
Are you using plain language? The traffic light system - and what does each colour mean to you? Or are you using a specific word, if so which word and what does it mean? For some people calling a safeword is an “I need you to check in.” For some it’s “I need play to stop immediately and move to aftercare.” For some it’s “stop play but slowly.” People use safewords differently, you need to be on the same page about what you’re using and what it means.

Or do you prefer a safe signal, this is often used when the bottom is gagged or otherwise unable to speak, or in very loud environments where a verbal safe call might be missed. They’re also great for not breaking headspace for a check in - this can be something like holding a ball and dropping it as the safeword. Double tapping against someone’s body can be a good safe signal. Safe signals are non verbal signs that you have set up in advance.It’s super important to remember that you can also instigate a check in as the top – you don’t have to wait for a signal from the bottom. You can choose to check in because they made a noise you weren’t sure about or moved a way that was different, or simply because you want to check in. Equally – tops can safeword too. If you are uncomfortable with how or where a scene is going, are getting tired, or just aren’t enjoying yourself, you can end the scene for any reason.

Boundaries.
What boundaries do you have even outside of what might be deemed kinky? Do you want them to message you or have your phone number? Is it OK for them to find you on Facebook or other social media? Do you want them to tag you in photos? Do you want them to develop a deep emotional connection with you?

How to deal when shit goes wrong.
I have bad news for you; shit will go wrong. You are human. Brains and bodies are weird as fuck and have a tendency to throw curve balls at the most inopportune moments. Finding ways to deal with things that might come up before they come up is key. It might sound impossible but it's not a case of seeing the future, it's about saying “if something happens and I feel scared, I feel upset, I start laughing hysterically, a bone breaks, a muscle tears. If something happens, what do we do? What do you need?” You don't have to know the specific trigger to put in place something to help deal with it. This includes dealing with physical injuries, flares of physical or mental health issues, and at what point you call an ambulance.

Aftercare.
Everyone has aftercare needs - even if those needs are “do not give me aftercare.” Are you checking in with each other? Do you want a debrief? If yes, how and when?

Tools you can use.

So what tools can you use to make negotiation easier and frankly, more fun?

Personally, I love the Not A Checklist and Tonight I Want worksheets for this. Together I find they offer a thorough way to discuss both the specifics of actions and the emotional side of play, but you can also use just one or the other, and/or add them to other methods that work for you.

I also use a “User manual” Notion board which contains tonnes of info on my health, why I kink, limits, boundaries, my flavour of non-monogamy, and more. This ensures that I know all the info someone needs to play with me is being provided so, even if my brain fog is really bad, I’m not going to forget to tell them something important. ("Copy" this user manual Notion template to use as you own.)

If you’re already comfortable with using communication cards, you could use those to make saying “no” easier, to express how certain acts make you feel, or even create a set specifically for negotiation with your kink needs, desires and other info on them.

Dirty talk and sexting is also a totally valid way to negotiate - please remember though that you’re much more likely to agree to things if you’re feeling horny. So try to spread it out so you’re negotiating from a clear head.

50% of negotiation is listening.

Communication is a team sport!

However well you communicate your own needs, hearing what the other person, or people, are actually saying rather than what you want them to be saying or what you think they are saying is an entirely separate skill.

The difference between what someone says and what someone else understands is often very stark. Everybody has their own experiences and history and ideas and opinions that are informing how they process the words of others. And remember that sometimes when it comes to listening it's not what you're hearing, it’s what you're not hearing that's causing the problem.
You can ensure you understood what someone meant properly by repeating back to them what you understood from what they said and allowing them to clarify or confirm.

Learn and use this magic phrase liberally; “what does that mean to you?”

Negotiation is easy & quick | doesn’t have to be complicated.

Hot take incoming: I think most of the time everyone is to blame to some degree when scenes go wrong.

There are obviously abusers who do what they want, but a lot of the time people have not effectively communicated what is supposed to be happening or have misunderstood what was planned or wanted. Plus, accidents happen and we are all only human. It’s ok to try new things and we learn by practising, but that also increases the risk of something going wrong – it doesn’t mean we’re an awful person, it means we’re learning and had a mishap, how we deal with it is what matters.

I know I’ve info dumped on you here so take a deep breath breath and I want you to take away something that is your next step to improve your negotiation. Maybe that’s Googling PRICK, RACK and SSC. Maybe it’s researching different consent models. Maybe you want to find out how you communicate best. Or creating your own user manual.

Start with one thing because negotiation is a forever evolving and learning process. Nobody is perfect at it so bring curiosity and compassion to your negotiations and have fun!

Additional resources

With thanks to Toast:

• https://medium.com/@authenticintegrity/edges-boundaries-and-limits-836cd2399db8
• "Tomorrow Sex Will Be Good Again" by Kathrine Angel.
• https://www.sproutdistro.com/catalog/zines/accountability-consent/