Greysexuality and the fear of sexual attraction.

Alexis Bushnell

06 Jul 2025 • 2 min read

A person with light skin tone and bright pink hair tied up revealing a shaved undercut, laying face down on a red mat. She is tied with rope around her waist, over her shoulders, around her butt, and around her ankles which are tied to the waist keeping her knees bent.A person with light skin tone and bright pink hair tied up revealing a shaved undercut, laying face down on a red mat. She is tied with rope around her waist, over her shoulders, around her butt, and around her ankles which are tied to the waist keeping her knees bent.

I was 36 the one, and so far only, time I experienced sexual attraction. That was last year and I am hoping with everything that I have that it never happens again.

I didn't realise at the time that what I was experiencing was sexual attraction. In fact it wasn't until after we broke up that I spoke to some friends about the weird feelings I was having and was informed that that is what sexual attraction is like. I've been sitting with what that brought up for me for over 3 months now, trying to process it and, as I do, I'm realising that experiencing sexual attraction has made me feel very unsafe around people who are sexually attracted to me.

Let's rewind a little.

I met a guy (first shocker) and really liked him. He was new to kink and, despite having realised that I am not for new people & they are not for me, I offered to top for some rope play with him. He was sweet, I wanted to practice rope, and why not give him a safe entry to kink play at the same time, right?

I fell hard for his green flags and wrestled against my knowledge of myself - I don't want a relationship, I don't want to be involved with new kinksters, I don't want to be involved with people who only have monogomous experiences. He was not for me in every conceivable way, but I had never felt like this before about anyone, so I ignored all logic and went for it.

The relationship was a trashfire for reasons irrelevant to this post and it burned out as quickly as it started, but not without first setting light to everything I knew about myself and much of the work I had done on my own trauma.

I made a huge amount of poor decisions during the 6 months we knew each other and now I realise that much of it was due to being sexually attracted to him.

So now I find myself in a situation where sexual attraction has become a red flag in itself for me. It is something that makes me feel not only uncomfortable but unsafe. Where it used to be something that didn't bother me (largely because I didn't understand it or realise it was actually a thing), even something I played in to, now the knowledge that some people find me sexually attractive sets me on edge. I find myself wondering if it would be fair or healthy to simply refuse to be involved with people who find me sexually attractive.

I've taken sexual play off the table with current partners to allow myself some space to recalibrate and try to return to some form of neutrality around sex and sexual attraction. I'm aware that it is still fresh and that my lack of experience with the feelings it brought up likely makes my understanding of it different to allosexuals for whom it is an everyday thing. Maybe in time, specifically sex-free time, that trauma led reaction will ease and allow me to return to my previous attitude of "meh," but right now sexual attraction feels like a threat and a danger and I don't want it anywhere near me.